I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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