Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
