He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
