i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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