God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
