I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
