just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
