talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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