I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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