On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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