I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
