I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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