Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
