I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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