look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
