So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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