I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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