Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
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