even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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