I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
