So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
