i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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