We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
