So drunk its hurt
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
