and you said cock pushups were impossible
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
