My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
