At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
