she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
