It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
