Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
