I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
