but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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