His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My liver just had a heart attack.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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