and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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