I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
