No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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