I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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