I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
