i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
