i permit you to call me
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
