There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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