I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
