I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
