Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
