Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
