i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
