there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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