he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
