I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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