I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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