I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
