i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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