Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
