Betty ford says i'm here all night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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