Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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