Christians are straight up FREAKS
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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