I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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